One album, in particular, that without fail brings me back to 1st semester sophomore year (my favorite year of college) at UA is One Cell in the Sea by A Fine Frenzy. So many fall memories laced within the lyrics of that album. Memories of sitting by the river with a boy far too old for me, studying together after coming to the realization that we could never be more than friends, uncontrollably laughing when "Almost Lover" came playing through my earbuds and hoping he wouldn't look over to see why I am in hysterics. Memories of late night drive thrus at Arby's and even later late night talks with two amazingly crazy girls, dreaming about future loves and gushing over our Incredible Creator. Memories of driving around after midnight with the windows down and music blaring (typically with my amazing friend Gina and blaring "Embracing Accusations" by Shane and Shane). Memories of sitting in the Rose Tower parking lot fully engulfed in the infamous "If I perish, I perish" conversation with my best guy friend, Whaley.
I'm not exactly sure why the fall semester of sophomore year brings me so much comfort in the memories, but something about it brings me happiness when I look back to it. Fall semester, specifically, was a time of such spiritual and emotional growth. I remember one night drinking a cup of coffee at around 9, which resulted in about 6 hours of digging into the Word of God and scribbling question after question in my journal. For the first time starving for more of God's truth.
And while it was a time of growth, it was also a time of darkness and loneliness. Much of which I have kept to myself, until now. It sounds funny (and it kind of is) but there were many nights when I would wake myself up sitting up in my bed talking to whoever was visiting me in my dreams. I remember the many journal entries asking God when it would my turn to find happiness with a guy; when would it be my turn to truly, whole heartedly love someone. I don't know what it was about that year that made me feel so ready to meet real love for first time, but I was certainly ready.
Something I realize now, but had no clue at the time, is all that spiritual growth I was experiencing was happening for a reason. All that loneliness I was experiencing was present for a reason. Little did I know in November, when I was asking God "When?", that he was preparing me for when He would say "Now".
On April 2, I went on my first date with Rob. The most special date I had ever had. He put so much thought into it. And from the very beginning, and for the first time, I had a boy be completely honest with me. There was never any question in my head about his feelings for me. Absolutely no run around. Something I had never witnessed. His intentions were true and truthful. We spoke about God's purpose for our lives. We argued over predestination and agreed that we were to Go to the nations no matter predestination or free-will.
I knew that this person was a man among the boys. I knew that together we could move mountains. More importantly I knew that it was with him that I wanted to learn what real love meant, even at the risk of another disappointment and heartbreak. Because in this situation the reward was far greater than the risk, and that I knew with all my heart.
I guess the reason I feel so much comfort from the memories of the fall semester of my sophomore year is that it reminds me that from pain and suffering comes immense growth and strength. From great darkness comes greater light; from loneliness comes community. From the storm comes the rainbow.
Isn't it amazing the memories one album can stir up within us? With all that said, if you've never heard of A Fine Frenzy, go to Amazon.com and start off with their first album One Cell in the Sea. Once you've listened to that one about 1 million times, go back to Amazon.com and purchase their newest album A Bomb in a Birdcage. If that's not your style, figure out what is and make memories to go along with your personal soundtrack.
Caitlin, this was lovely, and I found myself so many times nodding my head and saying "yes" to what you said. I never knew our relationships were so similar with the men in our lives!
ReplyDeletereally loved reading this. You know i appreciate how you applied the music aspect to this and how it stirs up moments and memories in life. And the way you talked about growth coming from struggles and times of loneliness - so very true. In the midst of those times you it's so hard to understand why God is doing what he's doing.. or figuring out what in the world he's doing.. but later on we see the beauty in all of it and we appreciate those times of learning and spiritual growth so much more! love you !
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