Whatever My Lot

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with precious baby #2. Everything is normal, as far as pregnancy goes. I'm nauseous and hungry, exhausted and unable to sleep. Totally normal. I take daily naps when my firstborn is sleeping to help with the exhaustion.
On Tuesday afternoon I woke up from my nap for the ritual bathroom break. Unfortunately this time I was met with every pregnant woman's biggest fear. Blood. It didn't start out as much but as the afternoon went on, it got a bit heavier.
Typically with a miscarriage there is blood and severe cramping, or at least some form of abdominal or lower back discomfort. I only had blood. The discomfort I felt was extreme fear and sadness deep in my heart. I called my midwife in a panic. She told me she would come over Wednesday afternoon with her doppler and we would listen for the baby and take it from there.
24 hours later {longest 24 hrs of my LIFE}, my midwife is in my living room rolling her doppler over my lower abdomen. After an eternity of searching and only catching blips of a movement, Baby W #2 finally sat still long enough for us to hear the MOST amazing sound, a heartbeat. And not just any heartbeat, a strong and steady heartbeat, around 140-145 BPM.

Tears flood down my cheeks and the ugly cry ensues. The Lord has been faithful to hear our cries!! Praise Him, Praise HIM!!!

So, what's causing the bleeding? We don't know for sure. But we do have a pretty good idea. At 9 wks, we had a sonogram done to check on the baby and, well, count for baby or babies. During the sonogram, our tech pointed out that at the bottom of the screen was a small fibroid attached to my uterine wall. She said it was probably nothing to worry about and that they usually don't cause any problems during pregnancy or delivery. However, it was definitely something worth mentioning to my midwife and keeping an eye on.
She was right in that typically fibroids are harmless and don't cause problems. What she failed to mention was that when they do cause problems, that problem can come in the form of bleeding and if they begin degenerating they can also cause SEVERE cramping and abdominal pain. WooHoo! While degenerating is something we want the fibroid to do, it's not really an experience I'm looking forward to. Of course, it might not happen.
So, what do we do now? Bed rest. Joyful, joyful, bed rest. Thankfully it's moderate and only until the bleeding stops. Basically, I take it easy and listen to my body. I've also upped my protein intake and am adding alfalfa to my supplements (to help my iron). More than anything I am trusting that, no matter what, God is good and He is in full control.
What you can do is PRAY. Pray, pray, and then pray some more. If anyone out there has had {positive} experiences with fibroids or bleeding during pregnancy, I'm glad to listen. I say positive because believe me, I'm fully aware of the negatives and fear is not something I need more of.
For now, we must wait and trust. And stay off WebMD....

"When Peace like a River

Attendeth my Way,

When Sorrows like Sea Billows Roll,

Whatever my lot, Thou has Taught me to Say:

'It is Well, it is Well,

with my Soul"

Redeeming Love

My college roommate had the shopping philosophy that if you find something you want but you're not convinced you need, leave the store and sleep on it. If you are still thinking about "Object X" the next day go back and make the purchase. The contents of this blog have been on my heart for months. I have continually delayed writing it because what I'm going to say is very personal and this level of transparency is quite intimidating terrifying. As terrifying as this is, it's time to make the purchase.

I am a child of divorce. I know for a fact I am not alone in this experience. A humbling thought for this hopeless romantic, to say the very least.

**Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to bash my parents, or any others who have made the decision to divorce.  The hope of this blog is to encourage my fellow Marrieds and Singles who will one day be faced with the question, "Should I stay or should I go" - even if only for a moment. My prayer is that this post might reconcile husbands and wives struggling to make it "work", give new hope to others worried they will fall into their parents' mistakes, and open dialogue between parents and their children who have suffered immense heartache. I am not perfect and I will never claim to be, so please read this with an open and gracious heart.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 (or 6, I'm foggy on exactly when). Either way, at this point they have been living separate lives for more of my life than they were together, which has given me plenty of time to sort through the effects of their divorce on my life; some good, some bad, some I struggle with today.

For the better part of my life, I lived with the fear of "Will my mom/dad love me if I turn into the other?" Until the last year this was an obscure struggle. Kind of like chigger bites, you scratch and scratch but it takes awhile to realize what's making you itch. I've gone my whole life with people pointing out different features of mine that are "just like your dad" or "just like your mom" and with every familiar feature I felt overwhelmingly defensive. Now, of course, I realize how irrational of a fear that is. I've also learned to accept the fact that we all turn into our parents, the goal is to make it as minimal as possible (just kidding).

While divorce has been very hard on me, I believe that God has allowed what happened to my family to show me the capacity of His redemption. Their story does not have to be my story because my story begins and ends with Him. He is my author, perfecter, redeemer.

From middle school to college, you could say I had a bit of an obsession with love. While some children of divorce run from commitment, I ran full force toward it. From a very young age I felt quite determined to prove the world and it's statistics wrong about my fate. I was going to find an amazing husband and we would have babies and travel and buy houses and never, ever fight and definitely never divorce. Ok the never fighting aspiration was unrealistic but you get where I'm going.

Low and behold, in July after my freshman year of college, I met my wonderful husband. Nine months later we started dating. Due to the aforementioned years of "serious" relationships, by the time we started dating I was finished flippantly dating (at age 19).  In May of that year I was falling in love and, thankfully, it was reciprocal. And I wasn't just falling in love with the attention of someone new, I was falling in love with what future I could actually see with this person. He was everything I wasn't; calm, collected, studious, thought-out. He was everything I needed; calm, collected...you get the point. After a year and 3 months of dating, we were engaged. Yes we were young, and we are still, but there is no doubt in my mind that God was drawing us to each other.

Prior to our vows we opted to go through premarital counseling, something I highly recommend for anyone, especially if you've walked through divorce in any capacity. During a session our counselor asked us to decide on what grounds we would ever consider divorce. We both agreed that adultery would be the solitary breaking point.

My biggest fear of marriage has always been adultery and the enemy seems to know this. He often taunts me with hypothetical yet very painful images of my dear one in the arms of another. When these painful visuals appear I can't help but think back to our answer in that premarital session, naively claiming that we would part ways if ever the other strayed. I then think on the life we have built, the times we have been each other's anchor (mainly he being mine, if we're honest), the beautiful baby boy we created together, the security I feel with him although we are hundreds of miles from "home". I think on these things and my answer has changed. I would faithfully be his Hosea if he ever became my Gomer. I would swim a thousand seas to carry him on my back and I know he feels the same way. Our marriage is not and will not be successful because we are great; our marriage is and will be successful because God is great and He is greatly living within us.

"We love because He first loved us" 1 John 4:19.

 May 2008

 June 2010

December 2013